On hope (and the fact that I still have some)

I need to add an additional clarification to my previous post on hope.  I do retain some hope, in spite of everything, otherwise I wouldn’t be here today writing this.

Against all I’ve been taught and against all common sense, I hope that I am spiritually female and that my body, when perfected, will be made entirely whole, even in gender (not that my gender is a mistake).  I hope that my parents, siblings, and children will still love me and understand that I’m not out to be perverse or do wrong.

I hope that my Heavenly Father knows me well enough to judge me fairly and that I can live worthy of my Savior’s sacrifice.  I hope that trying to make it through this in the only way I know how will be enough.

I hope that I can be with Andromeda, my wife, forever.  I hope that there’s more than just one allowed gender combination of eternal marriages.  I hope that she will not only still love me, but love me more and deeper than ever before.  I hope that we can be Goddesses together.

This is my hope.  This is why I’m still alive.

This hope is just a flicker.  It’s small against the rushing wind of the world.  It grows dim under the shadow of doctrine.

Am I wrong to hope what I hope?  Must I feel like my hopes are bad or evil?  Am I evil at heart and I just don’t see it?  Must I feel like I have to abandon all hope?

When it was all I had left, I turned away from my hope and turned myself over to the dark, trusting that I’d be given other light.  No other light came.  With my back turned, I was almost extinguished.  Andromeda (of the stars) provided light for a time until I could see again the tiny flame amid the immense dark of space.

It has not gone out yet.

It’s all I have to look to in the dark.  I pray it’s enough for what’s left of time.

I pray to God.

Advertisements

One response

  1. Pingback: On hope (and the sad fact that ours don’t align) | Constellatum

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s