I need to add an additional clarification to my previous post on hope. I do retain some hope, in spite of everything, otherwise I wouldn’t be here today writing this.
Against all I’ve been taught and against all common sense, I hope that I am spiritually female and that my body, when perfected, will be made entirely whole, even in gender (not that my gender is a mistake). I hope that my parents, siblings, and children will still love me and understand that I’m not out to be perverse or do wrong.
I hope that my Heavenly Father knows me well enough to judge me fairly and that I can live worthy of my Savior’s sacrifice. I hope that trying to make it through this in the only way I know how will be enough.
I hope that I can be with Andromeda, my wife, forever. I hope that there’s more than just one allowed gender combination of eternal marriages. I hope that she will not only still love me, but love me more and deeper than ever before. I hope that we can be Goddesses together.
This is my hope. This is why I’m still alive.
This hope is just a flicker. It’s small against the rushing wind of the world. It grows dim under the shadow of doctrine.
Am I wrong to hope what I hope? Must I feel like my hopes are bad or evil? Am I evil at heart and I just don’t see it? Must I feel like I have to abandon all hope?
When it was all I had left, I turned away from my hope and turned myself over to the dark, trusting that I’d be given other light. No other light came. With my back turned, I was almost extinguished. Andromeda (of the stars) provided light for a time until I could see again the tiny flame amid the immense dark of space.
It has not gone out yet.
It’s all I have to look to in the dark. I pray it’s enough for what’s left of time.
I pray to God.